It's Not Too Late
by Raphaelfanguy4real
Summary: Raphael completes a mission with unprecedented results, both good and bad. Will his family understand and forgive him, will everything return to the way it was before, or will their lives be changed forever? Raph-Centric. Rated for slight suicidal thoughts and violence.
1. Chapter 1

_**Hey guys. Again, super sorry about my main story Loneliness being out for the count right now, but this here is a four chapter little AU I wrote! well, kind of an Au. it's set before season four around the middle fo season three i guess? *shrugs* well, this is Raph- centric, hehe, i hope you enjoy!**_

Oroku Saki was in his penthouse on a visit home to Japan when he came. Saki didn't know how he had come here, or when he had located him, but the turtle was certainly not out for blood. Saki was sitting in front of a window, looking down at the courtyard, when he heard footsteps only a ninja could make, and only a ninja could hear, approaching from behind. It was obviously an enemy; no foot ever dared to try and sneak up on him, well, Karai might if she was in a 'fun' mood, as she called it, but that had been long ago, before his beloved daughter had been mutated because of his carelessness.

"Who is there?" he requested without turning, the footsteps stopped, but no one replied. "I would think the person standing there wants to stay alive." he growled, unsheathing his gauntlets. "Or do they have a death wish?"

"Depends on the day." came the sarcastic reply, Oroku saki's eyes widened. It was the turtle, Raphael, Hamato Yoshi's disciple. He spun around, eyes angrily narrowed.

"What are you doing here, in my home, in...japan?" he demanded, Raphael was leaned against the wall, arms folded across his chest, a filthy mutant.

"Huh, that's exactly what leo's gonna ask me when i get home." he mused, "but you should really be thinking about other stuff."

"And who are you to tell me what to do?" Saki growled, taking a step towards the turtle, but something about Raphael's attitude made him hesitate. He was calm, not exactly 'chill' but he didn't seem to be afraid of the man who had tried to kill him many times.

"Well," Raphael mused, "you might be right about the death wish." that was not an answer, but the turtle continued, "it's funny, i followed the guy who wants to kill my family to japan."

"Why are you here turtle?" Saki demanded, "you have about five seconds before you will no longer care."

"Oh, and now he thinks i care." Raphael said to no one in particular, "that's a real good joke."

Saki had never had this kind of confrontation, things were mainly touch and go, or more like, they come, he either kills them or tells them to do something.

"But five seconds?" Raphael continued, "i might as well say what i came here to say, then i guess you can kill me."

"time's up." Saki growled, scraping his blades along the wall. Raphael turns the cold emerald gaze on him, freezing shredder in his tracks; not many people dare to make eye contact with the shredder. Something about this young person's spirit has always made the shredder think. he had grown curious about Raphael, yes, but not curious enough to spare him.

"Well i better get to the point then." Raphael said sharply. He looked directly at Saki and said one thing that made his heart skip a beat, and his entire body seize up. "I think, don't get me wrong here i could be totally wrong, but i think my father forgave you until you tried to kill us, and him, again."

"Silence!" Shredder roared, holding a blade to his enemy's throat. To his surprise, the red masked turtle did not flinch as he usually would, or even attempt to escape.

"I told you i might have a death wish, but today i really don't want to die, at least until i tell you what i came here to tell you. Then, i guess you can slit my throat and watch me die in satisfaction." again, the bluntness amused shredder, and to even his surprise he retracted at the blades and stood back, eyeing the turtle once more. Raphael glanced around before deciding to lean against the wall again.

"So, shred head." he said, putting both hands behind his head. "Yeah, i think my dad forgave you at one point, but he'd probably not do it again, but this isn't just about him. Didn't you and Splinter grow up together?"

"Watch your words turtle." Saki snarled, fighting off panic, though unsure why he was panicking.

"I am." came the reply, "i just don't get how you could hate a brother that much," then he hesitated,"well, maybe. I get really ticked off at leo sometimes, and i guess if he suddenly took Mona Lisa and she fell in love with him…" Raphael frowned, then shook his head. "Nah, i love her enough to want what's best for her, even if it doesn't directly involve me."

"You are treading on dangerous grounds Raphael." Saki warned, watching the turtles every move.

"Yeah i know, that's what makes this so fun." Raphael laughed, "my dad once told me that learning from others' mistakes will make you better than learning from your own mistakes." Saki narrowed his eyes. "Well, i think you could use the same advice."

"Really." Saki said scathinlgy, "what makes you say that?" Raphael frowned, for the first time seeming unsure of himself.

"When we were kids, and we didn't know about teng shen and all the weird stuff that happened between you guys, dad told us stories about when you were kids." Saki froze, watching the turtle even more carefully now. "And as we grew older, and i started getting angry," Raphael shrugged, taking a sai out of his belt and looking at the blade. "He told me i scare him because i sometimes remind him of you." Saki scowled, and Raphael nodded slowly. "My brothers wouldn't believe this, of course, because they don't want to imagine a future where i hate them, you know, but i do imagine it. I don't want to obviously but…" Raphael shrugged, slipping the weapon back into his belt, "i'm afraid of doing to them what you did to Hamato Yoshi." Shredder snarled and unsheathed his blades once more, placing them by the turtle's throat, he stared steadily at Shredder.

"You didn't kill Splinter's wife, you killed hamato yoshi's wife. You realize that right? And, in a way, you aren't the same man who did that either. you were oroku saki, not shredder, you were not the man who killed people for looking at him cross eyed, you were fueled by rage, and that is what scares me about myself."

"What is your point turtle?" Saki demanded, "i should have killed you when you first entered!"

"Yeah, maybe." Raphael shrugged. "Then i wouldn't have to worry about turning into you and hurting my brothers." Saki watched the turtle's face closely as his mind drifted elsewhere, and Saki realized that this entire time, Raphael had been talking to himself, not Oroku Saki. "i followed you after a fight with them, you know, i was arguing with Leo about the most stupid thing on earth, about karai. And then i left, i didn't wanna be a part of the team anymore, i even thought about joining you to get revenge on them." he laughed bitterly. "Fancy that, yeah, i was a dummy thinking that, i was sure i'd be dead by now...i…" Raphael trailed off, looking at his hands. "Something came over me as i watched you exit the plane, you aren't being evil for the sake of being evil."

"Evil." Saki repeated, "i am not evil you insolent child! I am getting my revenge!"

"Yeah yeah." Raphael faked a yawn, "i've heard it before, one time dad said that anger is self destructive, but i didn't believe him until i met you." Saki scowled, telling himself to end this pathetic ninja's life before he embarrassed himself further, but something in what Raphael was saying struck home. He had had floundering doubts since Karai was mutated, and Raphael was all but exposing them. With a sigh that must have surprised the turtle he sheathed the blades.

"And you thought you could change me." he snarled, Raphael shook his head.

"Are you kidding? If there's one thing i hate it's someone who tries to control others!" he laughed, then grew serious again, "well, here i am, carrying a conversation with shredder, and i even managed to laugh, this day is just getting weirder and weirder."

"What are you saying boy?" Saki snapped, "i don't have time for your childish games!"

"I was about to say the same to you." Raphael shrugged. "Look, i know i'll probably never live to leave this place, but like i said earlier...that's alright with me. I always knew i'd be the first of my brothers to die anyway, if not just to ensure their safety." something in the young turtle's eyes darkened. "Splinter says you started down the path that led you here when you were sixteen. I'm eighteen right now and he's told me since then i remind him of you when you were younger. Heh, he probably doesn't realize the effect that has." Raphael shrugged. "But hey, i'm definitely not telling you what to do, i'm not even trying to change you! I'm just here for karai." Saki slowly turned. Raphael looked Saki in the eye and knelt, bending his neck to make it exposed to the blades.

"Get out of my sight." Saki snarled, looking back out the window. "I do not need you here."

"I thought you were gonna kill me, because nothing else you do will shut me up." Raphael chortled, "but anyway, she came to me secretly, she needed someone to talk to, y'know? And she said she forgives you, you were always a great father to her and loved her and stuff, you know, except how you lied to her your whole life, and she know's you didn't mean for her to be Mutated, that much is obvious from your reaction when she fell. Of course, that in no way means i forgive you. In fact, if i could, i'd kill you if i wasn't about to die myself."

"SILENCE!" shredder roared, turning furiously, blades unsheathed, but before he could strike the turtle he was in the rafters, looking down.

"All that metal makes you a bad ninja." he observed, "but all i really came to say is this: it's not too late." with a puff of smoke, the turtle in red disappeared, leaving Saki to search every crack and corner of his home. But Saki did not search for the turtle, nor did he alert the guards that there had been a break in, instead his mind drifted back…

" _I will make the foot great again, i swear i will return honor to my name."_

If this was the honor he had been raised to live, why did the Hamato clan, now consisting of two teenage girls, a teenage boy, four mutant turtles, a mutant rat, and other mutants he didn't know of seem to have more honor than him? He was raised in the hamato clan, why were their versions of honor so different? Saki began pacing, thinking things that had never once entered his mind before. And, what again, did he want revenge for? Teng Shen was dead and would no longer be the cause of pain; he had been the one to kill her. He hadn't killed her on purpose of course, he wasn't that low, when it happened. But look how low he had sunk since then! Despising his brother for something he couldn't even remember! His brother, he had not thought of Hamato Yoshi as a brother for many years, no, not since he had refounded the foot clan.

What the turtle had said, he had said many things that did not pertain to Saki's situation, but a few had sunk in deeply.

" _I think you could use the same advice….i didn't believe him until i met you...she forgives you, you were always a great father and you loved her."_

Yes, the young ninja's wisdom was very mature for his age, whether he knew it or not. Shredder hesitated before walking to his phone and dialing the number. Some things never change, but not all things. Some things are meant to change.

* * *

Raphael was a stowaway on the next plane flying to new york, with a layover somewhere in nevada. Now he was standing on a skyscraper, surveying New York City. It still boggled his mind that he wasn't dead, what was wrong with him? He had walked into the shredder, the freaking shredder's house, and had a freaking heart to heart with the guy! And he wasn't even dead! Remembering some of what he had said to the man, Raphael shivered. He had voiced his fears about hurting his brothers, to their worst enemy who was trying to kill all of them! Maybe that's why he had spared Raphael, he thought Raph would help him finish the job. Raph snorted, nice try, shred head. Sure, he was still nervous about his temper, but just voicing his fears like that, even practically asking the shredder to kill him, that had somewhat calmed them. After speaking them, he had become aware of how stupid they sounded. Raph counted how many days he'd been gone. Two days until he talked to the shredder, then he had a two day flight home, four days plus the day he talked to the guy. Five days. Raphael winced, he had never left the team for more than a day, if that. His brothers were probably beside themselves, possibly already guilt tripping themselves. With a smile and a decisive nod, Raphael dove off the building to the fire escape, jumping stories at a time to get back home to his brothers.

The last stretch of his journey home wasn't long, not at all. And he soon found himself in the sewers near the lair, listening for the sounds of his brothers. It was almost morning, so if they had stayed all night looking for him, they'd be coming home by now if they hadn't already given up. If raphael knew his brothers, none of them would be sleeping. Raphael started walking again towards his home, when it struck him. His home...the realization that he had let expecting to die crushed down on him, stopping him instantly as he realized it. He had left on a virtual suicide mission, he hadn't even told them where he was going or that he was probably going to die; the last thing Leo had said to him was 'good riddance'. Raphael started sprinting towards his home, suddenly desperate to see his brothers and father. He sprinted to the turnstiles and jumped over. Searching with his eyes and ears to know where they were. They weren't in the pit, where he'd expected them to be, or the lab, even Donatello was not in his lab. Then a murmur of voices floated to him from the kitchen. Suddenly, he stopped. What if they hated him? What if they thought he was dead? Raphael only heard a snippet or two of the conversation, but it was enough.

"-wish i was a better brother-"

"-aw you're a great bro-"

"-don't let this happen to ya -"

"My son it is alright." Raphael took a step forward before flinging himself into the kitchen, grabbing the first person he saw around the neck. They didn't hate him, they missed him, oh shell it was good to be home. It turns out the first person he saw was Leo, good old fearless. Raph's throat clenched when he finally was able to tell himself he'd be able to call his brother that again. Once he had touched leo, it all became real. He wasn't dead, he had actually lived through the stupid stupid stunt he'd pulled.

"Raph!" Mikey's voice called joyfully, "you came back!"

"Raph?" Leo asked in wonder before hugging back, "i knew you'd come home."

"Yeah right." Raph replied thickly, not caring if they saw his tears. He'd told himself he'd never see them again, and yet here they were.

"Whoa, i was sure that the 88th time was the charm." Donnie said sarcastically, joining in on the group hug. Even Splinter, his father, knelt and embraced him. Leaving Raph in the center of a family circle.

"Well Shell now i'm getting soft." he gasped, blinking hard to get the tears out.

"I'll say!" Mikey quipped, "you're crying? Is it because you didn't wanna come home? You bloated buffalo!" Raphael laughed.

"Good to hear you didn't lose your sense of humor without me." he joked, smiling at his brother, "and you know it's true." Finally the family hug stopped, each member pulling back at a different time, wiping moisture out of their own eyes.

"You'd never left that long before." Mikey said softly, "i thought you really did leave."

"You gave us quite a scare." Leo agreed, "we were sure you'd done something stupid like raid the foot clan single handedly."

"Not even Raphael is that stupid." Donnie said, "i mean, well, ok maybe he would be but i doubt it, when it comes down to it." Raph smiled.

"Don't worry leo" he promised, "I'd never do something stupid like that." then he turned to Splinter. "Master i- i wanted to say i'm sorry." his brothers jaws dropped and he continued, "i'm really going to work on keeping my temper and not being so stupid," he frowned, "i realized today i never want to leave this family."

"Aww." Mikey squealed, "more hug time!"

"No." Raph laughed, pushing mikey off, "i'm starving and i can smell pizza. I also wanna watch the news to see what i missed." Mikey smiled.

"Ok! I'll get you pizza! And i call sitting by you on the couch!" he grabbed the box and Raph got to his feet, still breathing shakily from crying. Leo put a hand on his shoulder and looked into his eyes.

"Where did you go?" he asked, looking concerned, "we scoured the city for you Raphael, and we had almost given up. Something you said when you left terrified me."

"What did i say again?' Raph asked, walking into the living room leo followed.

"You said that we wouldn't have to worry about you endangering us anymore, because you wouldn't be around to." Raph looked at the floor and then looked back up, a small smile on his face.

"Well you better be worried because next time we spar you're going down!" Leo smiled and they turned on the news to a startling headline.

" _Surprisingly, daily crime rates and police calls have dropped significantly in just two days, some of the completely dropped crimes and calls include, strange warehouse burglaries, mutant and monster sightings, street fights, and even gang movement, specifically from a gang known as the purple dragons, have almost completely stopped! The the latest reports say that over half of the gang have suddenly left the city, is it possible they are gone for good, or are they moving to cause trouble in another city? Whatever it is, the streets of new york city are just a little safer than before."_

"That's odd." Leo frowned, "why would the dragons just up and leave?"

"I don't know." Donnie frowned as well, "what if the shredder's planning something?"

"We'll stake out his lair tonight." Leo decided, "once we all finally get a good night's, or rather day's, sleep."

"That sounds nice." Raph agreed, yawning. "I think i will hit the hay for now, wake me up when it's time." with that the red masked turtle jumped over the edge of the pit and walked to his bedroom.

* * *

Raph followed his brothers along the rooftops, thinking. He had a small inkling of what might be going on, but it seemed impossible.

"Hey! Leo!" a voice shouted, Raph looked to see Karai and Shini running to join them. "Where are you going?"

"We're suspicious about the shredder." leo told her, "we're staking out his lair."

"That's what we were doing too." Karai agreed, "Raph! You're back."

"Oh come on, did everyone think i'm a jerk?" Raph huffed good naturedly, "yeah i'm back."

"Where did you go?" Karai asked as they made their way through the city. Raph frowned.

"You know, here and there, mighta assassinated the president."

"Haha." Karai said, rolling her eyes. "If you don't want to tell me just say so."

"Ok, i don't want to tell you." Raph shrugged, "that wasn't so hard i guess."

"Well maybe it would be easier if you were silent!" Leo fired back at them. "We're staking out our greatest enemy's lair in case you hadn't noticed!"

"Oh yeah i forgot." Raph said sarcastically, "sorry leo." they crouched on the edge of the building and peered down at the old church building Shredder had used as his lair. To everyone's surprise,there were no guards posted and a large truck was in the alley beside it.

"What is going on down there?" Donnie wondered, "no guards? Not even a footbot?"

"Only one way to find out." Leo said, grasping his katana, "ninja's, let's do this." they leapt down and crashed through the window into the shredder's 'throne room' it was almost completely deserted.

"What is going on?" Donnie wondered, "where are all the foot bots and mutants? And shredder?"

"I have a suspicion." Mikey said, glancing around with a smile on his face, "they all….turned invisible!" the rest of the group just looked at him and he shrugged. "Alright, you don't have to believe me, but if you get your head chopped off outta nowhere, don't say i didn't warn ya."

"Well, since no one's here." leo decided, "we'll just go through the entire thing, who knows what we'll discover about the shredder."

"Yeah, maybe we'll learn what kind of cereal he eats for breakfast" Raph said sarcastically, Leo glared at him and started toward the stairs. The rest of them followed. It was eerily silent as they walked down through the floors of the lair. Suddenly they came face to face with two enemy mutants carrying boxes.

"Holy shoot!" Bebop yelped, "don't kill us!"

"Whats going on?" Leo asked, "where is everybody?" Rocksteady rubbed his head in confusion.

"We do not know." he admitted, "master shredder commanded us all back to the japan." Raph raised his eye ridge.

"Really?" karai asked in surprise, "why on earth would he do that?"

"We do not know." rocksteady repeated, "but Bebop and the rocksteady are the last ones to leave. We are not allowed to attack you so please do not destroy us."

"Ok." Leo said, then turned to the group. "Karai, do you have any clue why on earth Shredder would just up and leave?" karai shook her head as the two mutants walked past.

"I don't know." she said, apparently mystified, Raph leaned against the wall and folded his arms. No way, no shelling way. Not only did the red masked turtle survive his heart to heart session, but shredder actually listened!

"Maybe it's a trick." Donnie suggested, "he's trying to lure us into a false sense of security."

"Maybe." Leo conceded, he shrugged, "let's go home then." the group started back up towards the surface and Raph hung to the back of the group, still dazed. This was crazy! The six of them were walking through the throne room when raph got a chill in his shell, the other's were too busy being confused to notice he hung back until they left. As soon as they did Raph reached for his sai as Shredder appeared.

"Turtle." he rumbled, "how fitting of you to notice my presence."

"Yeah, fits like a glove." Raph said, "what are you playing at shred head." he narrowed his eyes, "changed your mind and want to kill me?" Shredder merely looked amused.

"It crossed my mind." he rumbled, "but i had other things to worry about." he flicked his hand and a letter in a sealed envelope slid across the floor to Raph's feet. "Give this to my- to Karai." he said, "and leave before i come back to my senses." Raph watched him carefully as he picked up the letter, Shredder disappeared in a puff of smoke.

"Raph!" the others came running back in, weapons out, "what are you doing?" leo demanded, "come on!"

"What's that?" Donnie asked, seeing the letter. Raph looked at the envelope, it had Karai's name written hastily on it.

"I...found it on the floor." he lied quickly, "it has your name on it Karai." Karai took the envelope, looking nonplussed.

"Well let's get going." Leo commanded, "Splinter will want to know the news." everyone walked out again and Raph followed, Karai glanced back at him with her eyes narrowed and then looked to the front of her. Raph wondered vaguely, what Shredder's letter said.

Shredder watched the turtles leave, how odd, that Raphael had offered himself to die to tell him a message from his daughter. And even odder, that Shredder had listened.

 _ **hmmmm! is Shredder really leaving New York? What could that letter to Karai say? will Raph's brothers find out what he's hiding form them? you'll find out next week sometime! haha! please review!**_


	2. Chapter 2

_**Well, I promised that i'd post again this week and here it is! this is**_ _ **chapter**_ _ **two of It's not too late! you'll find out the answer to some of your questions in this chapter...hehehehe. thanks to everyone who reviewd the last chapter! please enjoy this one!**_

"Raphael!" a sharp voice said, Raph looked up from his comic in surprise. Karai was standing in the door to his room, an unfolded paper in her hand. Raph sighed and set the comic aside.

"Come on in sis." he said, sitting up on the edge of his bed. Karai closed the door and crossed the room to in front of him, arms folded. "Well? What's it say?"

"It's from the shredder." Karai said, eyes narrowed, "and it says something very interesting." Raph felt a stab of nervousness, what did the Shredder say?

"Which was…" Raph said slowly to Karai's silence.

"That he had a certain visitor." she hissed, "who went on a suicide mission to tell him he was an ok father for the most part." Raph felt a thrill of fear, was Karai gonna go ballistic?

"Really." he said, trying to act nonchalant. Karai let out an exasperated puff of air. "That's funny."

"No it's not!" Karai shouted, finally losing it. "You could have died Raph! And why did you even tell him that?"

"Because you said yourself you wished you could tell him yourself," Raph replied, "but you didn't want to risk capture." Karai deflated into a small ball of anger instead of a big one.

"Ok, so why did you go to Japan and tell him to kill you!?" she said angrily, "you could have died!"

"But i didn't." Raph pointed out, feeling for his own pulse, "probably, maybe from anxiety yeah, but not because of him." Karai narrowed her eyes.

"Gee, I wonder what Leo and Splinter will say to that response." she said, "after i tell them-" Raph jumped up and grabbed her arm.

"Hey!" he snarled, "none of them know about this! And you are definitely not gonna tell them!"

"Why?" karai asked, "don't want to get grounded?" Raph stared into her eyes. She looked uncertain, "Raphael…? What's wrong?"

"You asked why i told Shredder to kill me." Raph pointed out, "Well i'll tell you. Because i'm so shelling scared of myself that's why! And i thought that if i was gonna die, i might as well be doing someone a favor!" he let go of her, "now please just forget about it ok? It's over, the shredder is gone." with that the red masked turtle stumbled back and ran out of his room into the sewers.

"Raphael!" Karai cried out desperately, Raph ignored her and ran. He didn't even know where he was going, he just wanted to get away. That was the second time he'd admitted his fear. It still hurt him to admit it, but it wasn't bad anymore, when he told karai it was the past tense.

Raph found himself sitting on the edge of a building hugging his knees to his chest. He loved new york at night, sometimes just looking at it calmed him. When he heard footsteps behind him Raphael didn't turn, he knew he'd be yelled at soon enough. To his surprise, it was Karai who sat next to him and copied his position.

"Did you really tell him you're afraid of hurting your brothers the way he hurt Splinter?" she asked, Raph looked at her. Karai was staring at the new york skyline as he had been moments ago.

"Yeah." he replied, "had a really nice heart to heart y'know, all the times his blades touched my throat and stuff, got all my anger out." now karai looked at him.

"How close did he come to killing you?" she whispered, Raph tilted his head, thinking.

"If i hadn't kept talking he'd have done it." Raph decided. Karai shook her head in disbelief. They fell into silence and then she spoke up again.

"But are you really afraid of it?" she asked, Raph assumed she was referring to the earlier question.

"I was," he said, "not anymore." Karai looked at him in surprise.

"What? Why not? That's not exactly a fear you get over quickly!" Raph leaned back and stared at the sky.

"I didn't." he said, "do you know how long i've had that fear?" karai shook her head, staring at him. "I've had that fear since i was twelve years old. That was the first time Splinter told us the whole story about him and Shredder. Do you know he always told me i reminded him of Oroku Saki? I just brushed it off, y'know, like, he had a brother whoopee. And then he told us what Shredder did to him and other people...i was terrified."

"So even before you came to the surface." Karai said, "it must have been what, six years?"

"Seven." Raph replied, "we're almost nineteen."

"Wow." Karai sighed, "when i was twelve my biggest concern was hair." Raph laughed.

"Shredder let you be a normal kid, didn't he." he said, a little enviously. Karai shrugged.

"At least until i was thirteen, when he started having me train more." she sighed, "and even then, it was half days." Raph turned to her, eyes wide.

"A whole half day straight?" he asked in surprise, "i'd die! Well, i would've at thirteen." Karai laughed.

"I got breaks, he didn't want to kill me until he deserved it." she sighed. "You really thought you'd never come back, didn't you?"

"Yeah." Raph agreed, "and i was ok with that."

"But?" Karai looked at him, "something must have stopped him from killing you." Raph shrugged.

"Like i said, i think i surprised him, and then he started getting annoyed and telling me to leave, instead of telling me i was gonna die." Karai frowned, watching Raph closely. "Heck, i even knelt and gave him full access to my neck, and then i said something stupid. Can't even remember what it was, he just totally lost it and i jumped away, at that moment i was truly afraid for the first time that day. And i left."

"He didn't chase you?" karai murmured, "well, in this letter you found he says a few of those things, and then includes how you must be crazy good at reading emotions or just plain lucky because half of the stuff you said to him was eating away inside him already. Shredder's not coming back." Raph stared at her.

"Wait, he actually feels remorse? Wow, and i thought he wasn't even a real human." he chuckled, "but hey, you learn something new everyday." Karai nodded and then looked back at Raph.

"You have to tell Splinter about this." she said, Raph looked at her like she was crazy.

"You're insane." he snorted, "if i told my dad i told all my greatest fears and weaknesses to the guy who wanted to kill me he'd one: ground me for eternity and two: force me to do a bajillion flips!"

"You have to tell him." Karai insisted, "he's going to ask where you were eventually."

"He already has." Raph shrugged, "that doesn't mean i have to tell him, i can even lie if i have to." Karai looked at him disbelievingly.

"Do you really think he'd be mad and not concerned that his son literally almost committed suicide?!"

"Technically shredder would have killed me, so it would just be murder." Raph pointed out halfheartedly, Karai rolled her eyes.

"Went on a suicide mission?" she rephrased, Raph shrugged.

"It's not like i'd do it again." he said calmly, "i told you before i don't have that fear anymore."

"But you didn't think that if you died your family would be upset?" karai challenged, Raph looked at the ground far below.

"I told them i was quitting and never coming back, they wouldn't know i was dead." he said quietly, "they had probably would have thought i meant it this time or something."

"And you think Shredder wouldn't have flaunted your death in their faces?!" Karai snapped, Raph shrugged.

"I'm not telling Splinter." he said, "that's final Karai, it doesn't matter." Karai raised an eyebrow.

"If it doesn't matter then you won't care if i tell him for you." she said impishly, Raph swung around to glare at his adopted sister.

"You wouldn't do that." he growled, looking into her eyes. "Would you."

"Oh, i would Raphael." she simpered, "i really would." Raph felt a tremor of fear.

"Karai don't, please really don't." he pleaded, losing the tough facade. "I...they can't find out! Do you know what they would do?" he jumped to his feet and started pacing, waving his hands emphatically. "They'd never leave me alone again! They'd think i'm depressed or that junk! Mikey would never annoy me on purpose again, Donnie would insist on doing, i dunno, daily checkups, and Fearless would think he failed!" Karai raised her eyebrows in surprise.

"I didn't say to tell them." she pointed out, "i said to tell your father." Raph snorted in annoyance.

"They'd find out." he growled. "They'd either eavesdrop or Splinter would tell them and make sure they 'didn't let me know they knew' who are they kidding?" he laughed bitterly, "keeping a secret between two people is hard Karai, and now you know and i want you to never tell anyone."

"Never tell anyone what?" a voice asked, Raph closed his eyes.

"Sewer apples." he grumbled, Leo walked up to the two of them.

"What are you guys doing out here, you just vanished!" he exclaimed, then he spotted the paper in Karai's hand. "What's this?"

"The letter from Shredder." Karai replied, "i was talking to Raphael about what it says." Leo looked between them in concern, Raphael breathing hard and clenching and unclenching his fists, and Karai who was still sitting on the edge but was looking at them both anxiously.

"Raph?" Leo turned to his brother, "are you ok?" Raph grimaced and looked at Leo.

"Perfectly fine." he said shortly, "i just needed some air and was getting it when karai found me." Leo looked between them again and shrugged.

"Well, the others sent me to get Pizza and i was gonna look for you too, but then i heard the yelling." he chuckled, "wanna come?" Raph sighed.

"Yeah, sure fearless." he shrugged, "as long as we can get some meat pizza." Leo wrinkled his nose in disgust yet didn't say anything, the blue masked turtle had recently decided he was a vegetarian, annoying the heck out of Raph. but the red masked turtle knew whenever he ate meat now Leo got annoyed, so he did it as often as possible. Karai folded the paper and tucked it into her belt, but she looked at Raph in a way that let him know this conversation wasn't over. Great.

* * *

Raph was just getting to sleep when there was a knock at his door. He groaned and sat up blearily.

"What do you want?" he grumbled. To his surprise, Leo's voice answered.

"Raphael." he stated. Raph waited for him to say something else, but he didn't.

"What do you want?" he said again, annoyed. Leo opened the door slowly, and stood looking at him for a moment. "You're freaking me out dude, spill." Raph sighed, flopping backwards onto his bed. "Why are you here, have a nightmare?"

"Yes." Leo said softly, Raph shot upwards in surprise again. This wasn't like Leo, Leo never came to him for nightmares.

"so why are you here?" he asked incredulously, as Leo turned on the light. "Why don't you just meditate or something?" Leo was looking at him in a way that gave Raph the chills. "Fearless?"

"Why do you call me that?" Leo snorted, walking into Raph's room and sitting on the edge of the bed. "You know i'm not."

"Sure you are" Raph said, placing his hands behind his head. "You sacrificed your life like ten times for us and lived through it, i'd be done after the first time." this wasn't entirely true, Raph was willing to die a hundred times over for his brothers. Leo laughed shakily.

"Yeah, sure." he said, looking at his hands. "That's just it Raph, i'm not afraid for myself." Raph watched his brother carefully. What must he have dreamed for him to come to Raph? He would have guessed Donnie, not him.

"What was your nightmare about?" Raph sighed, knowing Leo wanted him to ask. The leader in blue looked at him straight in the eye, giving Raph a jolt of surprise, and sighed.

"I...i dreamed that you were facing the shredder alone, and that...you told him to kill you." Raph flinched, Leo didn't notice. "And that...i dreamed that he killed you…" Raph's eyes widened in surprise as a tear fell from his brother's eye. Leo was crying? "He killed you and...you were...dead."

"Well, killing does result in death." Raph said, earning himself a glare. Leo hugged himself, looking away.

"It was...i couldn't believe it, so i just...i had to come check." he murmured, Raph smiled for a split second. "I know it's silly i just…" Leo got up. "I'll go." before the blue eyed turtle could leave, however. A ball of orange and green came barreling into the room with a shout.

"Raph!" Mikey yelped, grabbing raph around the neck, "you're ok!"

"Uh...yeah. I am." Raph said, thoroughly confused, "what's wrong Mikey?"

"I had a nightmare." Mikey said, refusing to let go.

"Looks like it's a nightmare night then." Leo said, Mikey looked at him in surprise.

"Leo! I didn't know you were in here!" he said, blushing slightly. "I just...had a bad dream." Raph laughed, finally forcing Mikey's hands off his neck.

"I guess it's contagious." he chuckled, "but i haven't had a chance to sleep yet Mikey, so i couldn't tell you." Mikey sniffled, wiping a tear off his cheek.

"I had a bad dream that you got killed by shredder." he whispered, "and you died." Raph frowned. That was almost exactly what Leo said, odd. Especially after what had happened last week.

"Well i'm still here little buddy." Raph said, patting Mikey's head, "why don't ya go get some slee-" he was cut of by a startling scream. It lasted only a few moments, but it was enough to draw all three of their heads around to the doorway. It had come from Donatello's room, and if he had to take a guess, he'd guess that Donnie had a nightmare about Shredder killing Raph. a few moments later Don's door opened and the purple masked ninja stumbled out, holding a hand over his mouth and tears flowing down his cheeks. When he looked up he saw his three brothers on Raph's bed and sighed in relief and confusion.

"R-Raph?" he whimpered, Raph swallowed nervously. Of all his brothers, he didn't expect this reaction to a nightmare from Donatello.

"Nightmare?" he guessed, "i knew it was contagious." Donnie looked at Mikey and Leo, both of whom had bloodshot eyes from tears. Then he looked back at Raph, who didn't look as if he'd slept a wink yet.

"Y-yeah." Donnie managed, wiping tears away. "I just...i need a drink of water." and he stumbled away. Leo got to his feet again to follow, but Raph beat him to it.

"I'll go." he said, "you guys go back to bed alright?" Leo frowned but nodded. Raph walked into the kitchen to see Donnie standing by the counter, hands lying on it's surface with white knuckles. He was staring into space and his lips twitched like he was trying to speak.

"Don." Raph said, putting a hand on his brother's shoulder, Donnie jerked backwards and looked at him.

"Oh! Hey Raph!" he said in an unusually high pitched voice, "i..i need a drink of water." Raph smiled, grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge.

"Here." he said, "tell me what it was about." Donnie took a gulp and looked at him critically.

"Leo and Mikey both had nightmares too?" he asked, Raph nodded and Don looked away. "About you?"

"So they say." Raph shrugged, "i've died twice tonight and feel fine, ninja life is great am i right?" Don laughed and then shook his head.

"That isn't funny Raph." he said, looking at his feet.

"Ok." Raph said, leaning on the counter. "What was your dream about, or do i already know?" Don chuckled, rubbing his eyes.

"I dunno, it was..so real." he shook his head. "You...didn't die, Raph." Raph frowned, nodding.

"Good for me." he decided, Don looked away.

"Well...i dreamed you were in a room with...the shredder." he stated, Raph nodded, getting a sinking feeling. "And...you told him to kill you. You knelt in front of him and bent your neck...but he didn't kill you." he took a shuddering breath. "It terrified me, but i can't believe you'd ever really want to die. I just...it shocked me." Raph nodded, looking at his hands.

"Is that it?"he asked, hoping it was. Don hesitated.

"No." he whispered. "There was other stuff, but that was the nightmare part." Raph looked up at him desperately.

"What was the other stuff?" he asked, "tell me." Don frowned but obliged.

"Well, it didn't make much sense. But i saw a plane, japan, and…" he shrugged. "Karai, you and karai were talking, yeah, and then the plane and Japan, and then the last part." Raph stared at him, really? That's almost exactly what happened!

"Well, i'm still here donnie." Raph said, patting his brother's shell. "I'm gonna go get some sleep, and you should too." Don nodded and Raph offered one more smile before walking back to his room and closing the door. Leo and Mikey had gone back to their rooms, but Raphael knew he wouldn't sleep at all anymore. So instead he sat on his bed, staring at the wall. Why had all three of his brothers have roughly the same dream, and that dream was roughly something that had happened a week ago?

What really gave him chills was Donatello's dream. He had literally dreamed the last week Raphael had, and his reaction to it made Raph want to tear his secrets out, lock them in a chest, lock that chest in a bigger chest, lock that one in a closet on a boat, sink the boat, and turn the entire ocean into rock. He could never tell them now, not after seeing the look on Donnie's face. Donatello had looked so terrified and sick, like he was going to throw up his internal organs, and like he would give anything to make it so the Raph in his dream didn't want to die any longer. A small smile played at the edges of Raphael's mouth. Little did Donatello know, he had succeeded, but he could never know that. The most Raphael could do for him would be to comfort them, prove to them that the dreams weren't true.

As a ninja, he'd been trained to always be listening and alert when awake, so when the faint sounds coming from the dojo trickled into his room, he knew that for some odd reason Master Splinter had awoken at one in the morning. With a resigned sigh, the red masked terrapin walked to his door and exited his bedroom, making his way to the dojo. Sure enough, Splinter stood leaning heavily against a wall, his back was to Raph. what he was doing surprised Raphael, he was crying. He had never ever seen Splinter cry before. Part of him hesitated, Splinter wouldn't want his son to see him like this...but if this was really a nightmare night then he knew why his father was upset.

"Sensei." he uttered, making Splinter turn in surprise, the fur on his face moist with tears, new ones welled up when he saw Raphael standing there, obviously not having been waken, having heard his father's cries.

"My son, i am sorry to have bothered you." he said softly, "why are you still awake?" Raph felt a lie on the tip of his tongue, out of habit, then decided the truth was better.

"They had nightmares." he stated, "Leo, Mikey, and Don."

"All of them?" Splinter asked in surprise. It wasn't an odd thing for one of his four sons to be awoken with a terribly horrific dream, but for three of them, and himself?

"Yeah," Raph averted his gaze. "All almost the same." Splinter then realised that Raphael must be badly shaken from hearing his three brother's dreams, for the rat knew his second eldest son was kind at heart and would not leave his brother's pleas unanswered, at least for too long.

"Come, my son." he held out his arms and Raph hesitated, it was not often that Splinter offered a hug, they usually just hugged him when they wanted to whether he liked it or not. But after his hesitation, Raph ran into his father's arms, closing his eyes tightly.

"What was your dream, sensei?" he asked, Splinter tensed. "I gotta know, i just gotta." Splinter put a comforting hand on his son's head, Raphael still had his eyes clenched shut, for if he opened them tears would come out.

"I dreamed that I was my brother, Oroku Saki, and that you were there in front of me- Him." he breathed, Raphael nodded against his father's chest. "And that i...he was listening to you speak, understanding. And then you knelt…" Splinter shuddered, holding Raphael tighter to his chest. "And told him to end your life, to save your brothers." Suddenly, Raphael pulled himself away and stumbled back, eyes now wide and filled with tears.

"My son…" Splinter said sadly, "i am sorry, but you did ask to know…"

"It's not that…" Raphael gasped, tears finally flowing, "they all dreamed the same thing. In Mikey and Leo's dream he killed me...in Don's dream it ended first." he hung his head. "He was upset that i wanted to die."

The sentence hung in the air for several long moments, no sound being heard. Splinter stared at his red masked son, who seemed ashamed and upset about his family's dreams. A sudden spark of realization hit Splinter. Raphael had been missing for five days, he returned joyfully, with tears in his eyes, and hugged Leonardo, _hugged leonardo_ , and then the Shredder left america for what seemed to be for good, why had he not realized before?

"Oh, my son." he gasped, weeping openly now. "Come to me." Raph looked up at him fearfully. "I believe i know where you were, those five days?" the look of sheer terror on his sons face confirmed what he already knew. Raphael had attempted to sacrifice himself to the shredder, but had let out his innermost feelings for the first and supposedly last time, and Oroku Saki had listened.

 _ **Aww, we had some Karai and Raphie fluff in this one!**_ _ **some**_ _ **bad dreams, and now Splinter knows what happened, what will happen next? you'll have to wait until next**_ _ **Tuesday**_ _ **, I'm afraid! I'm**_ _ **going**_ _ **to try and start posting more regularly and i chose**_ _ **Tuesdays**_ _ **. Thanks for reading and please review!**_


	3. Chapter 3

_**OMG! Thank you guys so much for favoriting and reviewing this! I was**_ _ **seriously**_ _ **worried that no one would like this, but decided to risk posting it, and now I'm**_ _ **really**_ _ **glad I did!**_

 ** _Midnight: thanks for your support on this story! and yeah, that nickname is fine. Happy birthday last week! I was sorely tempted to post this chapter last Wednesday, just to surprise you, but I have to get in the habit of doing it on Tuesdays, sorry. and the dreams aren't really omens...idk they were a plot device I guess. and to anyone who is wondering...this is no trick of the shredders. I believe that no one is evil for the sake of being evil, and so in this fic Oroku Saki is gone for good!_**

 ** _to my other guest reviewer, thanks so much for your praise and advice! I've tried to make it easier to tell who's speaking in this chapter and the next one, and I'm flattered to hear that you think I'm a great writer!_**

 ** _thanks again to all of you, please enjoy!_**

When Leo woke up, he was momentarily disoriented, before realizing he was in Michelangelo's bedroom. The events of the previous night and early morning sprung to mind. The three nightmares, Raphael's understanding, Donatello's face. He stood abruptly, planning on going to comfort his second youngest brother, When Mikey lunged and grabbed his arm.

"No, Don't." he said, crying, "stay, Leo."

"It's morning Mikey, come on, you get up too." he said, pulling his sibling out of bed, Mikey clung to his arm as they walked into the lair. Sounds from the lab told Leo that Donatello was already awake. And Raphael's door stood open, showing it had been left almost as it had been when Leonardo left the night before. Raphael had not slept. Flickering candlelight from the dojo made the leader in blue frown, Splinter only used candles for meditation when he was attempting to go into a very deep trance, and sometimes when he was trying to connect spiritually to another person. Shaking Mikey off, he stood in the doorway to the dojo. Sure enough, Raphael and Splinter knelt facing each other, both in deep trances. The candles were low, they'd been at it all night.

"What are they doing?" Mikey wondered, leo shook his head, holding a finger to his lips. Whatever it was, it should not be interrupted. But before he could caution Mikey in a whisper, both pairs of eyes fluttered open. As they watched, Raphael instantly threw himself forward and buried his face in their father's kimono.

"I'm so sorry father." he gasped, barely audible across the room. "I didn't…"

"It is alright, my son." Splinter comforted, catching sight of the other two over Raphael's head. "Leonardo, Michelangelo, did you sleep well after you went back to bed?" Raph jerked back suddenly, whipping around in shock, tears making his red mask darker. Leo nodded tentatively as Raphael tried to recompose himself.

"We were just getting breakfast." Mikey said, thinking quickly, "come on, leo." he grabbed his older siblings arm and they both walked swiftly away. Something odd was going on about Raphael, Leo knew, but what? He had seen the sorrow and guilt after they told him their dreams, but Raph always looked like that when they had nightmares about him. Donatello was now in the kitchen, slumped over next to an undrunk cup of coffee.

"Mornin, Don." Leo greeted as Mikey released his arm again. Don looked up at them and sighed. He still had bloodshot eyes from the night before, and Leo suspected his dream must have been different.

"Morning, Mikey, Leo." he mumbled in reply, finally taking a sip of his coffee. "Are they still meditating?"

"No, they stopped as we...passed the dojo." Leo said, pouring a mug of his own coffee as Mikey placed bread in the toaster. "How long have you been up?"

"Three in the morning." Don mumbled. "I...had another dream, and when i went to see...Raph was gone. I panicked until I saw them in the dojo."

"Oh." Leo felt guilty, Donnie had suffered through two nightmares, probably worse than his own from his reaction, and Leo had only had one. Same with Mikey.

"They were just dreams though." Mikey comforted, "Raphie's still alive."

"It's not that he was gonna die…" Donnie gasped, "it's that he wanted to...that he somehow thought it'd be better for us…" Leo nodded in agreement, while Mikey's eyes widened. He spun around and stared at them.

"What?" he asked in an accidental yell, then took a breath and quieted down. "In your dream he… _wanted_ to die?" Leo silently cursed himself. Of course Mikey wouldn't have dreamed that, he was so...innocent. Much too innocent for a dream like that.

"Oh, sorry." Donnie looked guilty. "I just… didn't think before I said that."

"It's alright don." Leo said, a moment of silence followed and the blue clad leader took a breath. "You'll feel better if you tell us, Don, I felt better after telling Raph." Donnie looked at Leo fearfully.

"But…"

"Come on Dee, we're here for you." Mikey encouraged, Turning back to the toaster. Leo took a seat next to his exhausted brother and Don took a breath before beginning.

"Well, in the first dream shredder was there, and Raph had gone to japan on a plane, he was in front of the shredder...and told him to kill him...and then I woke up." Leo nodded, that was similar to his own dream, just with more detail about how Raph arrived. "But…in the next dream Raph was completely alone…" Donatello shuddered. "And he took out his sai and...and…" the purple masked turtle let himself collapse onto the table, head buried in his arms. "I just can't bear to talk about it!" he sobbed. Leo nodded, rubbing slow circles on Donnie's shell. Michelangelo was standing very still, staring at the toast in front of him.

"Shell, no Don." a voice said, they all turned in surprise. Raph stood there, tear stained cheeks stretched underneath bloodshot eyes that were wide with disbelief and shock. "That's not… is that what ya think…" he shook his head, walking over to sit on Don's other side. "I'd never do that Donatello, don't you know that? I'd never want to do it, I'd never have the guts to do it either, who'd hang out with you at three in the morning while you worked on your projects?"

"Nobody, I guess…" Don mumbled, "that's what scares me."

"But I'm still here." Raph insisted, eyes as wide as ever, "and I'm not planning on leaving anytime soon. I promise."

"but it was so real!" Don insisted, Raph smiled a bit.

"Remember what you once said to me? You said that nightmares rarely bothered you because you can distance yourself and remember that it's fake, that it'll never happen." Donatello looked up at him finally. Leo felt horrible for letting this happen, it had to be his fault somehow.

"But, those are dreams about us failing and the world ending!" he said intensely, "not about family members _killing themselves!"_

If the kitchen had better acoustics, there would have been several echoes of the last part of Donnie's sentence. Everyone sat nearly frozen. Mikey was shaking, Leo felt his jaw fall open in despair. Donatello stared at Raph. Raphael's mouth was opening and closing, though no sound came out. They sat like that for what seemed to be days, maybe weeks, until another voice entered.

"Guys?" it shook them from their stupors and they all turned. Karai stood in confusion, one hand on her hip. "Why are you up so early?"

"Why are you here so early?" Leo countered immediately, she smiled.

"Couldn't sleep, so I decided to come talk to Splinter." she shrugged. "Then i saw you four in here, sitting like someone just revealed their deepest fears." she laughed but stopped shortly at the look on their faces. Leo could have sworn her eyes flicked to Raphael, whose mouth was now set in a grim line, and then at the others. "What did I miss?"

"Nightmares." Mikey mumbled, crossing to the freezer and taking out ice cream kitty. Karai nodded, eyes flicking once more to Raphael.

"Ah, good morning my children." Splinter greeted, walking slowly into the room. "How are you feeling Donatello?"

"Horrible." Don said bluntly. "Did Raphael tell you about the dreams we had? Before you started meditating?"

"He did." Splinter said stroking his beard and retrieving a cheese pop. "I assume you are all greatly shaken, but I assure you there is nothing to fear, Raphael is well and sits before you now, as I am sure you know."

"I missed something." Karai decided, taking a seat. "But I have a small idea what." Leo looked at her curiously, then it hit him.

No way, Raph would never, that was crazy! But, the letter, and if Karai knew, and five days...hugged Leo, what the shell! Raphael would never do that! A prick of doubt entered his mind. Would he? He turned to stare at Splinter, who must have read his expressions quite clearly.

"After breakfast Raphael has agreed to a family council, where he will put all your fears to rest." Splinter announced, "you are welcome to join us, Miwa." karai nodded, and Raphael looked stricken. He didn't protest, but as Leo met his gaze he seemed to realize the leader in blue understood. Leo would not be eating today, he wouldn't be able to without throwing up. This statement was met by silence.

"I'm not hungry." Mikey finally said, Leo felt himself fill with guilt. How had he let this happen to his team? They shouldn't have nightmares about this kind of stuff, there shouldn't be any truth to this kind of stuff, he shouldn't let his brother do this kind of stuff.

"Don't do this, Leo." Raph said, looking at him, "just don't, alright? If you start guilt tripping yourself before you even know what the shell happened, I'm not telling you." Splinter raised an eyebrow, but said nothing.

"Sorry…" Leo said, though he didn't quite know how to stop.

"I guess breakfast is over then." Raph sighed, looking at Splinter with an expression Leonardo didn't recognise on the red masked turtle's face.

"I think it would be best if we moved our discussion into the pit." Splinter decided, "there will be no training today." they all stood and followed, Raphael came last, and Leo watched him from the corner of his eye. When they were all seated, Splinter gestured to Raph, who was so pale he looked like he would pass out.

"I was never gonna tell you guys any of this." he stated, "but after last night… and what Don said this morning…" he shook his head. "I don't have a choice."

"Raph, will you be ok?" Karai asked, Leo frowned. When did she find out, and were his suspicions correct?

"Nope." Raph said grimly, "here goes," he took a breath and Leo braced himself for the worst, he was surprised when Raph spoke next. "Remember when we were twelve, and Sensei finally told us the story about Oroku Saki and Teng Shen and Him?" everyone but Karai and Splinter seemed surprised, though Splinter looked dejected.

"Yes…" Mikey finally said, baby blue eyes looking shattered.

"For a long time, he'd told me I reminded him of his brother…" Raph said, "Oroku Saki, when I heard that story… I became very afraid. I was terrified of becoming like him, of hurting one of you." his eyes flashed. "Since I was _twelve_." a pause, "then, the day before I left last week…" he hesitated. "Karai, is it alright if…?"

"Tell them." karai nodded, "it's no secret. Not like yours." Raph nodded, Leo frowned deeper.

"Karai came to me. She was upset, she had to talk to someone, and i listened." he shrugged. "She told me that she felt horrible about what had happened to her and Shredder," he glanced warily at Splinter. "Because even though he lied, and stole her from you and killed Teng Shen, he raised her. He raised her like a daughter, he loved her." Leo felt his frown fade, did Karai really feel that way? "He hated himself for mutating her." Raph said hoarsely, "she told me all this stuff, Karai said that if she could…"

"I'd tell the Shredder myself." Karai finished. "But I knew he was angry and would try to take me hostage."

"Yes," Raph nodded, looking at his feet. "The next day I got in a fight with Leo, and I felt it." he stopped, as if the story were over.

"Felt what?" Leo prompted suddenly, surprising himself.

"The fire, whenever I get mad I feel it, and it's always bigger. And I liked it." everyone was staring at him, hanging onto his every word. "I liked it, I liked what it gave me, it made me fight stronger, whenever I was mad, it made me...violent." Raph finally looked up, meeting Leo's gaze directly. "It made me like him. I realized then, that I couldn't go on like this." he passed a hand over his eyes. "I knew the shredder was in Japan, so I ran. I ran and told you I'd never hurt you again, because I would be gone." he gasped, "I hated myself then, I stowed away on a plane and got to japan… I found him." Raph stopped again, and Leo felt the urge to go over and either hug him or punch him in the nose, but then Raph continued.

"He was gonna kill me!" Raph suddenly grabbed his neck, eyes wide. "And… I told him to. I wanted him to, because then you'd be safe, but I kept talking. I told him that Splinter forgave him the first time, and then he came to new york. I told him to learn from his mistakes, I told him I was afraid of hurting you." he laughed, "I told him my worst fears, I told the _shredder_ my worst fears! He had his blades...touching...my neck." Leo instinctively moved, then stopped himself before he stood. He realized all of his family had the same reaction to this statement, Donatello still held a hand out in front of him, as if trying to touch Raph. but Raphael was caught up in the past, and didn't notice.

"Raph…"

"No, Leo, it's true! I was going to die, and I knew it. I knew it when I ran out of the lair that day. But then I kept talking, I told him what karai told me, he got very mad. He pulled his blades away from me, and I kept talking. I told him everything, I told him it wasn't too late." Raph closed his eyes. "I knelt in front of him and gave him the perfect chance to kill me, and he didn't." Raph's eyes opened once more. "I was scared for the first time that day, when he lunged at me, but he's so weighed down by all the metal I somehow jumped into the rafters and grabbed a smoke bomb. I said 'it's not too late' and left. He didn't follow me. Then I came home," he shrugged, "and when I saw you I realized I wasn't dead, he didn't kill me! I was so glad I was home, and that it was real...and then…"

"The shredder left." Leo said, because Raph was choking on the words. Raph nodded slowly.

"I was amazed, I could barely believe it, when we went to go see what was going on at his hideout he was there, you didn't see him. He gave me the letter for karai." Raph shook his head in disbelief, "and he didn't kill us, he could've! He could've gotten rid of us once and for all but he didn't. He...he had listened to me. He told karai what I did, in the letter, and she was so mad…"

"I was." karai laughed, "I was going to tell you but…" she shook her head. "I couldn't, it was Raph's."

"And I'm alive." Raph said simply. They fell silent, that sentence ringing through their heads. _And I'm alive_. It struck into Leo's heart, dispelling all anger that was replaced by, strangely, admiration and sorrow, a strange combination. Admiration for Raph, who was brave enough to do that. Admiration for Raph, who had worried about hurting them. Admiration for Raph, who hadn't wanted to tell them because he knew how they'd react. Sorrow. Sorrow for what his younger brother had put himself through all these years, terrified, controlling himself so he didn't end up like shredder. Sorrow that Raph was alright with dying. Sorrow that Raph told someone to kill him. Sorrow that Raph had known they wouldn't understand, and Sorrow that he'd been right.

"This is my fault." Splinter murmured, making everyone look at him. "I should not have compared you to Saki, my son. I did not think of the effect it must have had on your mind and soul. I did not mean to tell you you reminded me of the Shredder, you reminded me of good memories with my brother, I miss those times Raphael, and you brought those back to me." More silence.

"Thank you, Sensei." Raph whispered. "Thank you."

 _ **whelp. one chapter to go in this one, what do you think of it so far? please review, I really love getting them and any tips are very helpful! until next tuesday, adieu!**_


	4. Chapter 4

_**HEyyy I am so sorry I didn't update yesterday! I woke up this morning and realised it was wednesday and went well crap. I'm really really sorry about that. Well, this is chapter four *the final chapter* of It's Not Too Late! I'm super glad you have all been enjoying it so much!**_

 _ **Midnight- You are super welcome for the happy birthday! I should have remembered to post yesterday because it was my half birthday then. Anyway, I'm really glad you've been enjoying this story as much (or maybe more) than I enjoy writing it! Lol. As for Splinter comparing him to the Shredder, he didn't thin Raph was going to turn evil. He was reminiscing about times he had with his own brother and didn't realize that he was comparing Raph to their worst enemy. I tried to make that clear when I wrote the last chapter, sorry.**_

 _ **Well, here we go and please enjoy!**_

Raphael had been totally right. Of course he was right, who knew his brothers better than he did? Leo felt guilty, Raph could tell, what he was guilty for no one knew, but Leo tried to make up for it by being nicer to him and not engaging in as many arguments. Michelangelo tried to please him in as many ways as possible, not being as annoying and bringing him snacks. Which was ok, but he knew why the kid was doing it, and that wasn't. Donatello didn't insist on daily checkups, however, but Raph did catch him often sitting alone, doing nothing, staring at his hands glumly. Raph would never forget what he had walked in on that morning...Donatello had seemed terrified that the dream would come true, and Raph didn't want him to be terrified. Splinter had started to praise Raph more in training, something Raph always felt he did little of, but again, he knew why they were doing it. They didn't need to change because he was the one to make a bad decision, it would never happen again, and definitely not like Donnie dreamed. The red masked turtle started spending more and more time out of the lair when he could, memorizing the sewers and doing lone night runs. Everything was always so calm, outside his home. No more foot, the kraang were gone from earth and the utrom rarely bothered them, purple dragons had been taken with the foot clan, and almost all of the mutants they already knew. They had literally nothing to fear except being seen, and as a ninja, Raph was never seen.

Sure, his family probably thought he was having 'psychological problems' or depression, or whatever, but he was only trying to get away from their sad looks, guilt, and kindness. He didn't need it. He'd gotten to where he was today by trying hard to impress them; if they had acted like this forever he would never have gotten this strong.

The red masked turtle was currently at his training dummy, forcing the anger he kept pent up inside him though his fists and feet into the moves. He knew someone was always watching him when they could, he'd heard someone sitting outside of his door every night and never seemed to be alone for very long. Currently, Leo was pretending to watch space heroes, but Raphael felt his gaze burning into him. With a grunt and a sigh he turned suddenly, catching leo in the act, and off guard.

"Oh, hey Raph." he said, obviously trying to be nonchalant, it didn't work. "How are you?"

"As well as i can be with you four watching me day and night." Raph snapped, then cursed himself silently. They didn't know he had realised, egg heads.

"Wh-what?" Leo was panicking, "what do you mean? I'm watching space heroes." Raph looked over his shoulder at the credits rolling down the screen.

"Yeah, real interesting, you've been watching the credits for five minutes by now Leo, cut the act i know what you're doing."

"So what if i want to protect you?" Leo finally dropped the act, he glared at Raph and then took a deep breath to calm down. "I just don't want to lose you."

"You won't!" Raph insisted, "for the last time Leonardo, I'm not self destructive, I was trying to end a war!"

"You were not!" Leo snapped, "you told us you were planning on dying!" Raph growled, punching a fist into the wall next to him.

"What about the time you blew up a building you were in it, huh?" he roared, "or the time you crashed that kraang technodrome and let us think you were dead? What about then Leonardo?"

"That was different!" Leo insisted, getting to his feet.

"How so?" Raph snapped, "you can't tell me you aren't glad the shredder's gone, you can't tell me you don't like the fact that I told you how i felt?"

"Raph, of course i'm glad the shredder is gone, but you can't pretend that you thought it would work."

"I wasn't trying to get it to work!" Raph yelled, "I thought i was gonna die leo, it was all for nothing! But it worked! So get off my shell and stop treating me like something that might fall apart at any moment! We didn't fawn over you like this those times because you said it was imperative to the mission! I could have saved your life that night leo!" he insisted, "I might have stopped world war three for all i know, just by doing what i felt was right so don't you try and say this was an accident." he stared into Leo's shocked cobalt eyes. "What's the difference between you sacrificing yourself for a good cause and us sacrificing our selves? Huh? You thought you were gonna die when you fell from that building, you didn't know if it'd stop the invasion, but you thought you would! I caught you Leo, i stopped what you thought would happen and it was a good thing too, because you braining yourself on the asphalt wouldn't have accomplished anything! So stop telling me this was my fault and start being our leader!" Raph turned and stormed out of the lair once again, clenching and unclenching his fists.

"Raph wait!" Leo called in panic, "where are you going?"

"Away from you!" Raph shouted back, "next time you risk your life during a mission i promise you that I'll sit outside _your_ door every night, watch _you_ when I'm pretending to relax, and act different around _you_ when I'm annoyed!" then he ran off into the darkness of the tunnels.

* * *

Leo watched Raph leave with an ache in his heart. How was he supposed to know what Raph did? He'd never thought of Raphael's suicide mission as a sacrifice he was making for their good, he'd thought the only reason Raph even tried to talk to shredder was because he wanted to die. Had they been looking at this the wrong way the entire time? Mikey ran in, face sheer with terror.

"Where did Raph go?" he asked, "i heard you yelling at him and-"

"He's fine." Leo said shortly, "just going out."

"Do you want me to shadow him?" Mikey asked, Leo shook his head. They had sometimes sent Mikey to do that when Raph ran off, after he told them what happened.

"No, he's fine, i actually wanted to ask you something Mikey." he frowned, looking at his baby brother. "Do you compare what Raph did to the first kraang invasion? When i blew up that building?" Mikey seemed surprised, but hesitated.

"I dunno, kinda, i guess." he shrugged. "I mean, you did both try to sacrifice your lives to help people, and i guess Raph's was more effective than the first time you did it, cuz the technodrome and all that...why?"

"That's how he sees it." Leo realized out loud, "he doesn't think how we saw it, he thought he was trying to do something good."

"I know that!" Mikey said, rolling his eyes, "what did you think? That Raph decided if he was gonna get himself dead he'd do it with style?" Leo didn't answer. "Leo? Did you really think that?" Mikey shook his head disbelievingly. "So _that's_ why you guys are acting so weird to him, and why Donnie's upset and why Splinter's always praising him."

"I thought you were doing it for the same reason." Leo said, frowning. Mikey rolled his eyes.

"I'm being less annoying to him because I'm glad he isn't dead." he said bluntly, "did you guys just argue about this? Is that why he's upset? Geez Leo, get your head straight before you drive us all off the walls. Ima gonna go see if Raph's ok." and with that, Mikey ran out after the red masked turtle. Leo watched him leave, contemplating this, and then turned to go speak with splinter.

* * *

Raph sighed, staring across the skyline. What the shell was Leo playing at, acting like Raph wanted to kill himself? What were they all playing at? Fearless leader wasn't the only one to make sacrifices! Why, Raph had given up his very best friend! All leo's given up was...ok that's not fun thinking. Leonardo has given up himself, you couldn't fool Raph into thinking Leo was always this big brother fearless leader type. Raph used to know Leo better than anyone, until he became this responsible guy. He needed to be responsible, Raph knew that, but seeing his brother not smiling for hours on end hurt him deeply. He tried to shoulder some responsibility, but that just got him labelled reckless,and now this. When Raph finally felt like he'd gotten to Leo's level, an equal, it turns out he was just being depressed and irrational. He let out a snort and flopped onto his back, head bumping painfully on the roof below him. Soft footsteps approached.

"Go away fearless." he snapped, "i'm not in the mood for a lecture, this is just what I'm talking about, you couldn't even trust me to blow off steam on my own anymore! Can't things just go back to the way they were? I shouldn't have even told you guys about-"

"For someone not in the mood for a lecture," Mikey's voice laughed, "you sure are rattling one off." Raph sat up and spun, staring. What was Mikey doing here? He hadn't even known Raph left!

"How'd you know where i was?" he asked, Mikey shrugged, falling into a cross legged position.

"It wasn't hard." he smiled, "i just followed the sirens." Raph rolled his eyes.

"Yeah yeah, whatever." he growled, "what do you want Mikey? Came to make sure i didn't die?" Mikey's eyes grew round.

"Why would i do that?" he asked, sincerely confused, "you don't wanna die." Raph looked at him in surprise. "I mean...right?" Mikey's gaze grew anxious,

"Right!" Raph agreed vigorously, "it's just...i didn't think you thought that." Mikey rolled his eyes.

"Of course you don't wanna die, who wants to die when they have a brother like me?" he said, Raph grinned in spite of himself.

"Ok, so if you don't think i'm like that, then why are you being so nice all the time?" he countered, Mikey grew serious, looking Raph in the eyes with his own electric blue.

"Well for one thing," he said, holding up a finger, "everyone else is." Raph snorted. "And for another thing…" Mikey smiled sweetly, looking at Raph with eyes now brimming with tears. "I'm awfully glad you didn't die that night." Raph smiled back, Mikey threw his arms around him and they embraced in a long brotherly hug. Finally Mikey sat back and looked at the sky.

"You know you gotta come home right?" he asked, "when i asked leo what was wrong he told me about your fight, he'd never even thought of it the right way before."

"Of course he didn't." Raph snorted. "He never does, Leo thinks he's the only one who can sacrifice anything! Well what about us? We've sacrificed! We've…" he shook his head. "Leo just…."

"Loves us!" Mikey declared, helping Raph to his feet. "You know he only does that stuff cuz he loves us, that's why you went to the shredder that day," he frowned. "Because...at the moment you thought the only way for us to be safe was to die, so in a way...you did want to die. Just not anymore." Raphael looked at his baby brother in amazement.

"How can you voice my thoughts better than i think them?" he complained, Mikey grinned, hooking his arm around Raph's shoulders.

"A great bro never reveals his secrets Raph!" he boasted, "race ya home!"

"Hey!" Raph protested, racing after him, "you cheater!" Mikey just laughed and did a backflip, sticking out his tongue as he did so. "And you're gonna bite your tongue off!"

"The day i bite my tongue off is the day that i fall into a six foot deep hole!" Mikey yelled, jumping into the alley. Raph followed and they started for home. A hope was growing in Raph's chest. Mikey was so innocent, he'd hated the story of how Raph had wanted to die...but never imagined he still would, and that was the truth. Raph didn't want to die, who would want to die when they had a brother like Mikey?

* * *

Shredder sat on the metal throne, contemplating. Why had he listened to the turtle? Why had he left? He knew very well why, guilt. Guilt had corroded away the essence of his heart, it had turned him into what he was. Guilt about letting Teng Shen die, and hating the guilt so much he lied to himself about what happened. Guilt at lying to Karai her entire life, but insisting to himself that he was right. Guilt for letting his love be mutated, Karai was...the highlight of his crippled, tortured, evil life. When he wasn't drunk on anger and power, he would feel the love the girl had for her father, and then she found out. No love had ever come his way again, but maybe it didn't have to be that way. Maybe...it wasn't too late.

* * *

Donatello stared blankly at the wall, the details of his dream again filling his mind. But then his tortured thoughts were interrupted by...laughter? Yes, that's what it was! It was Mikey and Raph, laughing and joking as they came into the lair. When had they left? He usually noticed. Raph...Raphael. He was laughing, depressed people don't laugh when filled with such joy...with a start Donatello realised his mistake. Raph wasn't depressed, he didn't want to die...why would he? with his mind suddenly clearing like mist at the break of a sunny day, Donatello spun around in his chair and got to his feet. The dream would always haunt him, but it wasn't real life.

"Hey dee!" Mikey beamed as they walked past. Raph waved as well, and seemed surprised at Donatello. He realised that for the past few days...he'd been a zombie. Even more so than usual, so Donatello strode after them.

"What are you guys doing?" he asked, they shrugged.

"We were gonna play some videogames." Mikey said, smiling, "wanna play?"

"Yeah!" Donnie agreed, looking Raph over carefully. He was the same old Raph...hard to believe that he could be dead right now...but then again, they all could be, Raph had literally saved them that day at the shredder's lair. Shredder could have finished them all off, but he didn't. Thanks to Raph. "i owe you one anyway." he declared, walking with them to the console. Raph's face visibly brightened and Mikey beamed a knowing smile at this, and Donnie didn't mind. All was forgiven, and would go back to the way it was, at least as close as it could, with the shredder no longer a threat. As long as Leo and Splinter would come to the same conclusion.

* * *

After Michelangelo followed Raph, Leo had gone to splinter. With the intention of asking a simple question, Leo had found himself pacing before his father, rambling on and pretty much lecturing himself and his father, on accident.

"So it turns out that he doesn't even wanna die, and that we're totally overreacting, and Mikey knew it this whole time." he said, waving his hands, "and that I've done the same exact thing before that he did, and he's the one that saved me, and he saved himself, he saved everybody!" Leo stopped walking, shaking his head. "I just don't understand it Master, how did we get it so wrong?" Splinter took a moment to reply, and looked thoughtful.

"My son," he said, "Michelangelo had just finished a long and slightly distracted discussion with me when you entered, he had been elated to find that Raphael not only worried about hurting him, as Michelangelo feared he did not, but conquered his fear and improved his anger issues. For an exact quote he said, 'and it' so totally great that Raph didn't, you know because that would have totally sucked, and i think it's cool how different a perspective you can get, knowing that your brother wanted to die but doesn't anymore…' and then you came to me with this." Splinter shook his head. "I believe Michelangelo has been the most level headed of us for many days."

"Tell me about it." Leo said, slightly amused at hearing his father quote in Mikey's slang. "What do i do now? Raph hates what i have been doing, but i just…" Leo shivered, "knowing that he did want to die...it makes me afraid."

"You must stop focusing on the past and start focusing on the present." Splinter declared, getting to his feet as they heard a commotion outside. Leo was pleased to hear all three of his brothers voices, though slightly surprised they were all laughing and arguing good naturedly, even Donatello.

"Focus on the present," Leo repeated, "i just...how can i make it up to him?" Splinter placed a hand on his shoulder.

"I once told Raphael that it is not too late to change, because while you cannot change the past you have the ability to change the future."

"It's not too late." Leo echoed as they walked out. _It's not too late._

 ** _ _welp. there we are. THE END! I hope you all enjoyed this fic and please__** ** _ _please__** ** _ _review! also, feel free to check out any of my other__** ** _ _stories__** ** _ _, I have a lot. hehehe. i need a life. until my next fic, I say goodbye.__**


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